Is the image of ourselves that we see ever really accurate? I don’t necessarily care what others think about me, or so I firmly preach, but after a recent conversation with someone I consider a friend, I find myself wondering whose image is correct? Mine, or what the outside world sees. Does the world see in me what I feel and experience? Are the emotions of my existence written on my face so clearly for all to see? If I resolutely believe that I know who I am, then why am I so misunderstood by others? It makes me wonder what they see, but also makes me feel as though I’m a tiny ant under a magnifying glass burning under the watchful eye. It’s ok to judge me – judge away. No one is a harsher critic on myself than I.
The only answer that I can come up with that makes sense to me is that I have control issues. Not the kind where I don’t allow other peoples bully tactics to sway my decisions because I have to control everything, but the kind of control you would have over responses, mannerisms, facial expressions etc. One question that goes unanswered for me is why does my body language misrepresent me so? These are all things that I’m currently reflecting on and hopefully my mind will reach a peaceful, accepting answer and or resolution.
As for now, I’m leaning toward the hard fact that I used to file things away instead of dealing with them like a normal person would – Emotions, experiences (bad, or good) – and maybe now that my spirit is healthier, my mind sees one thing when I look at myself and who I am as a person, but my body and responses behave differently because they’re still harboring my unfinished business.
Maybe these are things that you have experienced and have already categorized in your own personal portfolio, but as for myself I’m still searching for my truths through reflection. Hopefully I will be able to share my particular findings with you in an Episode 2.