How does one right a wrong when you feel in your heart that your actions were justifiable, but nonetheless they hurt someone that you care about? Justifiable? What does that even mean when other people’s hearts are involved? Truly, human interaction with others has never been my strong suit, but once I get to know someone, I think the doors open (a little anyways) and the walls come down (again, a little anyways). This scenario of myself has recently changed to a more “open book”, gushing from the brain, heart and mouth, kind of gal. For how long? Who knows except for the universe. Point being, I can accomplish the task of connecting with others, but now it’s about making that connection last. Not letting anxieties and fears (sometimes fears that you don’t even know exist) run riot in your heart and mind.
That’s a whole other topic in its entirety and complexity. Another day maybe…
So, someone I know might say that I make decisions based off my fear of commitment, or more accurately, out of fear of being hurt. Yes people – like everyone else in this world – I’ve been hurt, too, but am I truly letting that operate my heart and my ability to make good choices for myself? Or better yet, to see what has apparently been staring me in the face for years (L-O-V-E) and I’m not exaggerating on the time frame, or so my someone claims.
My actions may have hurt my someone, but my someone broke my heart, too. I want to move past this and get to the other side where everything isn’t so complicated, but I don’t see how that’s possible with the current situation and its temperature…OUCH, it’s hot and it burns. Being one hundred percent disconnected from someone whose life you’ve been a part of for years, is really hard, but maybe after the things that were said, is necessary. I guess I’ll torture myself with what-if’s until we meet again one day (That is, if I’m ever forgiven).
This internal quest for truth is stacking up pretty quickly on me. How does one find the time, energy and strength to accept these certainties about one’s self? All I know today is that I better start digging. At this rate, by next year I may lose everyone in my life that’s important to me. That’s not true, but it feels like it at the moment.
With a tugging heart I say: I hope that everyone has a happy…what day is it…Wednesday.