“There is a charge
For the eyeing of my scars, there is a charge
For the hearing of my heart
— It really goes.
And there is a charge, a very large charge
For a word or a touch
Or a bit of blood.”
Why did Sylvia Plath feel that she was on display for the world to prick and pry, beside her obvious, publicized suicide attempts? Despite her misplaced, beautiful mind, getting past and moving on from her grief seemed to never quite be in her reach. In people with Bipolar disorders, mania plays out differently for everyone. I’m not suggesting that Plath was Bipolar, but I am suggesting that when the mind takes us to that mysterious place where all we feel, and all we see is alone, and all we can hear are the ruminating thoughts playing it’s whacky reel over and over in our heads – the overwhelming emotions become palpable, tangible even, but only to ourselves as it takes us on that un-magical carpet ride to the land of paranoia. Here, we know, without a doubt, that the outside world has found out all of our deepest, darkest secrets. We’ve become transparent, weak, and now we’ll be made a spectacle for all the world to see – tossing us into the lost world of circus freaks.
For many, what they just read may seem dramatized and not make much sense, but for some, they would say it was only the beginning. One nightmare after another, except it isn’t a nightmare, its reality, within unreality, within reality that’s unfolding layers of incomprehension in a timeless and perpetual kind of torture.
If you are one of these people, I can empathize and will forever have a connection to you that can’t be broken. If you are one of these people, then you are also a survivor, even when you can’t fathom what that would look like for you, BUT, keep reaching for that proverbial light at the end of your path, no matter the struggle, you will become victorious. And now, you’ve conquered another one, surviving yet again, producing a stronger version of the self you were just weeks, or even months before. Congratulations, you’ve made it again.
One Comment Add yours
I’ve never dealt personally with bi-polar only indirectly as my husband and child suffer with this horrible disorder. I cannot imagine the pain as the pain it delivers to those that love those who suffer is horrible enough let alone those that actually suffer from its cruelty. I believe in God and pray continually for all who suffer with this disease but especially for my child. However, I realize this disease/disorder may be born from some terrible misfire within the internal makeup of these victims and while prayer is certainly needed, we have to look to the things around us that He gives us in this life to help solve the dilemma for our love ones in hope of stopping this madness. Is it something we introduced into our food system, something from drugs (not necessarily misused but a vaccine or some other medication introduced into society that was intended for our good and for the most it is but for the few a horrible nightmare. I DO NOT remember by small child ever fearing or having nightmares. she was a ball of sunshine, water off a ducks back, a chip off the old block. If this is so, was it triggered by a scary childhood filled with uncertainty (from 10 years or so on) not knowing where she would live or who would care for her as her parents fell apart. I don’t know but I know that if it is the latter, then I pray in earnest that if it can be triggered then perhaps the opposite can happen to solve and resolve the past issues. Perhaps it was there all along but just masked.I grapple with so many ideas as to how and why but none helps to ease the struggle or the pain. When you love someone especially your child, it is unbearable to see and feel their torment and can do very little to help.
Artofself, I commend your bravery for approaching this disease by talking about it candidly with brutal honesty and sincerity. I hope it helps you continue to grow strong and take back your life robbed by this “doesn’t deserve to have a name” and certainly doesn’t deserve to be called by. In addition, I pray many who stop by, who are afflicted by this @#$#, will also find refuge. A safe place. God keep you strong keep you moving forward till one day you conquer!
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